i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
