The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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