Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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