I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
