Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
