He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
