Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
