I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
