Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
