she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
