So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
