god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
