wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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