Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
