you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did you just see the Batmobile???
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize