Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
