I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
