yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
