my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
