Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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