So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
