Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
