So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize