I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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