I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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