I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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