i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
