Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
And then he peed in my hair
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