Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize
