The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
