There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
