And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
