I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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