either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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