so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
