i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
