Betty ford says i'm here all night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
