when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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