is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
