i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize