is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
