Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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