Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
