Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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