so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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