i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
