He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
