I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
