Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
