If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
