To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
