The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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