I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
