I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
