I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
