I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
