Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
