yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
